Lost in Sound: Realizing I had a soulmate through music and vulnerability.

© Lost in Sound

          ‘Cause I’m lost in sound, I’ll never ever, ever be found

          Ah, you were the one, Ahh you were the one

          I’m in a daze, I’m in a phase, I’m in a haze

          Oh kiss the ringing in my ears

          Keep me safe from all my fears

          Cast a spell with both my hands, both my hands.

Sitting in the mess of untangling yourself from a lover is hard enough. Having to leave someone your soul connects with on every level, due to circumstance, had seemed all but impossible.

All the senses want to stay in that lovely, intertwined space of perfection: swirls of all that could be — what once was, they are the constant frontrunners in your mind.

That’s when I am prone to pulling out the music that I know will keep me there. The old standards — songs, lyrics, and artists that are familiar when I need comfort.

It didn’t work this time.

Instead, I felt anxious … no fragment of peace was seeping into me. No comfort whatsoever … I couldn’t listen! I grabbed record after record, song after song. Nothing, they were all an irritation. Then I felt it grab me tight, my mind raced with clarity. I was still tapping into old wounds, old pains, and very old patterns with the catalogs of music. Stunted in place.

This had been different, so I knew I’d be coping with this loss in an unfamiliar way, but never allowed myself to go there while in it. I have never loved, nor been loved so fully. It was worthy of a different grief script, one as authentic as we were. Not my contrived past of rhymes and reasons … dusty as the old manuscripts I’ve always followed.

I sought to figure out a new way to grieve that gave it everything it deserved, and with that, started tossing away the swirls that were holding me back. Rearranging them in my mind to the beauty of it all, and how fucking lucky we were to have had what we did. Realizing he was my most magnificent soulmate, and we would forever be in each other’s hearts. Everywhere I go now, he will be with me. No more ‘what ifs’ or ‘whys.’

Our circumstance happens to be a vast difference in age – 24 years to be exact- a gap we could never fill with what we truly deserved with each other. My god, we sure did try.

Looking back, I remember being caught so off guard at how beautifully it all unfolded, how honest (sometimes to a fault) we were about the reality. We always knew it would have to end. We created our own construct of who we were going to be: marching hand-in-hand around our little village together, kissing at the table, sharing intimate smiles, tapping our feet to the same oldie. What will they say we wondered … but we never gave a fuck. We did like to wonder and giggle a bit.

Those who know me embraced it with everything they had: my friends, family, and especially my children. After a year-and-a-half, it ended (twice). Both times filled with love, respect, pain, sadness and longing … both of us understanding it was time to move on.

So I starting collecting the music that was present when we were falling in love, the songs and artists we shared with each other after we were … what was playing in the background of our love affair. It transformed my mindset. I stayed and sat fully in what it was, the lesson of it all … instead of trying desperately to get it all back. A calm came over me, I slept a little better – my dreams weren’t as vicious.

Together we learned what is feels like to fall wholly in love with someone … all of it. We were given a gift to go forth with …. and will never settle for less. And when we run into it again, we’ll know what to do with it. He is a soulmate, brought to me to make sure I didn’t snuff out what is in store for me in love.

It’s amazing what your mind can do for you if you let it. We tend to spend alot of time in the anger, jealousy, hurt and the unfairness of our situations — to spare us the pain of having to go deep into our souls. We play old tapes, the same songs over and over. Shifting perspective is the only way out. Finding meditation in music … music as meditation.

New music has found me, solely for MY new path now. I have to walk around open and vulnerable to the world, all of my walls fell down, and I don’t have the time or inclination to build them back up. He came into my orbit at a time when I had all but decided to keep that wall up, it sure made life easier and safer from real pain.

I’ll never close myself off again – I can’t imagine having missed out on this. The pain and lessons are more than worth the regret I would have endured had I not been open to receive this big, big love.

This album came out in June 2018, right before we ended, and I haven’t stopped listening to it. It was written, arranged and belted out just for me I believe. Every riff wreaks of truth and nostalgia. I’m empowered and inspired to feel it’s wrath for my next journey, and to cement the teachings of my latest into my core.  Listen to it, absorb it … see if it makes you feel. If not, let new music find you that does.

The Rock*A*Teens

Sixth House

© 2018

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/sixth-house/1369204684

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