I went to a new dentist two weeks ago.
When filling out the paperwork, one of the questions was whether I was pregnant or nursing. I checked yes. In the examination room the dental assistant checked my forms and asked, “You’re pregnant or breastfeeding?”
I confirmed, “Yes, breastfeeding.” She cooed a bit about how lovely and wonderful that is and went on to ask how old my child is. I braced myself before telling her that he is almost three.
She furrowed her brow, “Three months?”
“No,” I clarified. “He will be three years old on May 30th.”
I swear to you that she gasped audibly before shaking her head and declaring, “That is not good!”
I took a deep breath and decided that I really did not want to get into a debate about the benefits and normalcy of long-term breastfeeding, while sitting at her mercy in a dental chair. I gathered all my strength to remain calm and kind, and simply said, “Oh, it’s good. It’s very, very good!”
She turned away from me then, shrugged her shoulders, and said, “Maybe I’m wrong.”
I stayed silent, but nodded my head. She was wrong. Not only about her uninformed and ignorant view about mothers breastfeeding their toddlers, but in thinking that she had any right to voice her incredulity and outrage about it to me—a mother who has given freely of her body, energy, and time for the past three years. And not because I enjoy doing so—in fact, at times it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done—but because I know without any doubt that it has been (and continues to be) in the best interest of my son. My son who, in almost three years, has never once had an infection.
He has never once been on antibiotics. And he has never been without that which he has needed most in these first years of his life: a mother who has willingly sacrificed herself and her body, time and time again, to ensure that he gets what he needs—be it nourishment, antibodies, or soothing.
My body has miraculously produced for him all that he needs to thrive—and thrive he does. How in the world could that ever be “not good”?!
Please know that this is in no way a criticism or judgement of any mother who has been unable, or chosen not, to breastfeed. We are all warriors, and I respect you, your personal choices, and your journey through motherhood.
This is simply the story of one woman (one of many!) who has chosen to do it another way—the way that feels completely organic, normal, and sacred to me. And if we can normalize and respect those mothers who decide that using formula (or breastfeeding for a shorter duration) is best for them and their children, then certainly we should be working to normalize and respect those mothers who decide that breastfeeding until their children decide they no longer need or want to is what’s right for them.
The time is coming when my son will choose to no longer nurse. The signs are already there. And in many ways, I am so ready for that day. In others, I am sad, and I know that I will feel the loss of the intimacy and connection that breastfeeding has afforded us. But when the time comes, it will be because my son is ready—and not because some archaic societal view pressured me into weaning him prematurely.
I share this with you to not only normalize extended breastfeeding, but also in the hopes that we can stop judging and criticizing each other.
Motherhood is at once the most glorious and arduous job in the world. My path could never look the same as another’s. We are all unique, exceptional women doing our best on a daily basis to provide for, love, support, and champion our children to the best of our abilities, using the tools and resources we have available to us.
Let’s commit to doing the same for each other along the way.
~
Relephant:
Extended Breastfeeding is My Choice.
Breastfeeding Goddesses—Enchanting Images of Motherhood.
~
Author: Erica Settino
Image: courtesy of author
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
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I am also an extended nurser. My son is 3.5 years and has almost fully weaned but will sometimes nurse when he wakes in the morning. It feels completely natural and normal. What I find unnatural is forcing a child to wean before they are ready. My son has slowly decreased his feeds and will stop when he is ready. Thank you for sharing your journey and the positives of extended breastfeeding
Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. And thank you for sharing your experience with your son as well. I am always eager to hear of other mother’s experiences with extended breastfeeding and I agree with and truly appreciate your perspective.
When my daughter was born, I wasn’t sure how long I’d nurse. My mom did it for eight and six months; my sister for eight. My daughter is rounding the corner now to 13 months, and I don’t really see an end in sight. I know it will come, but I have decided that it will be her decision, not mine, as long as nursing continues to work for me.
Your piece resonates so much with me in the way it illuminates how breastfeeding, like motherhood, is such a dynamic experience of opposing emotions and experiences. I both love nursing and sometimes wish it were over. Sometimes I want my whole body back; especially my sensitive nipples. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to make special wardrobe choices. Sometimes I get really annoyed when my daughter tries to disrobe me in front of the UPS guy. But at every single session, at the front or tail end of it—whether it’s witnessing the immediate soothing effect, the satisfied hunger or thirst, or peaceful slumber, I experience a renewed willingness to continue.
While at less than half the age of your son, my daughter has also never been ill beyond a short sniffle nor been on medication. I like to believe nursing has a lot to do with it.
Today, I look forward to our slow mornings, when she nurses and suckles sometimes for nearly an hour. It forces me to slow my mental rush down and just be with her, savoring the honor of being all that she needs in those precious quiet moments. Everyone and their coworker tells a new mother, “enjoy—it goes so quickly!” or some version of that sentiment. Then why rush to end an experience that lives only in the first years of life, especially when it does nothing but help both baby and mama?
Hi, Lydia:
Thanks for reading and for your response. I really appreciate it and I love hearing how your perspective is positively impacting this beautiful time in your and your daughter’s lives. It isn’t always easy, but it is the most sacred thing I have ever done. Enjoy.
My daughter was four when we stopped. Turns out she has a rare disease where her immune system is poor, I feel like I gave her a better chance by breastfeeding so long.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you, Aubrey! How wonderful. I appreciate you sharing this and I applaud your dedication to your daughter’s health and well-being. It’s all we could ever hope for and mama’s milk definitely, definitely contributes. I hope your daughter is well today.
Thank you for bringing positive exposure to this beautiful topic. Giving nonjudgmental support and avoiding unsolicited advice is the best way to ensure we can make mothering choices based on our own instincts. I used to be confused at the notion of tandem nursing. My first 2 sons voluntarily weaned at 2 yrs. Then came my daughter. She lived her Mama Milk! And when I delivered my 4th child, she was 3yrs old and said the milk would now be for the baby. That lasted for all of 1 hour. I ended up nursing both for 2 more years. That really surprised some strangers! But, it strengtheed by confidence that I can care for my children with whatever resources I have available.
Wow, Julia! How absolutely amazing and wonderful. I love how you honored both of your children and how your miraculous body provided everything they could both ever need or want. Truly exceptional. Thank you so much for sharing.
What a beautiful article! Every mother has the right to decide the space that accompanies breastfeeding. It’s not like claiming space on the dance floor. One breastfeeds for the naturally nursing aspect of it.
Thank you so much! I completely agree! 🙂
I’ve never understood why people felt so entitled to comment on anything to do with a woman during motherhood (questions about when/if you’re planning a child, comments on appearance during pregnancy, instructions on ‘correct’ parenting methods etc etc).
Thank you so much Erica for sharing your experience, and to all the other mothers posting their stories in the comments 🙂
Thank you so much, Ryan! It’s true, when it comes to all things having to do with parenting, many people have no filter. It’s a shame because it leads to a lot of discomfort, resentment, and also to many mother’s (and father’s) making decisions based on other people’s judgments, which aren’t really in their, or their child’s best, interest. Thanks for reading and for your comment.
I love this thank you xx
Thank you, Krissy! xx