The Wisdom of Mental Illness.

I experienced physical and mental abuse as a child.

By the age of twelve, I’d been sexually abused by a neighbour. By age fourteen, I felt out of control at school. By age sixteen, I was homeless, living on the streets, and in trouble with the law. I spent time in youth detention and, with the help of an excellent mentor, was able to get my life on track. At age twenty-one, I got married and started a family—life was good.

At the age of thirty, on my Dad’s 65th birthday in 1982, I died and was subsequently revived after a horrific truck accident.

I believe there was a reason why I survived. I sought answers for why I survived a crash that would have otherwise killed me. This revival from death started my personal quest for answers.

Throughout the course of my life, although I was versed in the study of ancient history, cultures and religions, mental illness and addiction controlled my world. My life fell apart, not so much because of substantial physical injuries sustained in the crash, but because of the fifteen years of mental suffering that followed. My mind was like a drunken monkey—very busy and all over the place. I experienced psychosis later that year and spent time in a psych ward. I was diagnosed with mental illness and prescribed medications. I had similar episodes of psychosis in 1984, 1987 and 1992.

The only thing that stopped me from suicide was a tiny whisper that kept saying “There’s a reason…you’ll get through this!”

By 1997 I hit rock bottom. Mental health professionals told me that I would never be cured. They said I would have to take medication for the rest of my life and that I would never work again. I was ashamed by their label of “mental illness”, and I refused to talk about it or get help from outside the “system.”

It was my dark secret.

This is when I experience a miracle. An old friend, who I hadn’t seen since before my accident, knocked on my door and told me his story. Two days later, I experienced a spiritual awakening and my life slowly started to change. I no longer needed my medications.

I now call that chapter of my life, my fifteen dark years. It was a roller coaster of feelings, emotions, and experiences. I value my dark years now because I overcame many fears and learned heaps of life lessons. My quest for knowledge and answers continued. I now know the truth about what happened to me. In ’82, ’84, ’87, ’92, I experienced a spiritual crisis or emergency. I had no way of knowing what was really going on until my old friend shared his story. It was that story that led to my spiritual emergence in 1997 and the beginning of my walk down the spiritual path.

I got my life back and have never looked back, except to see how far I’ve come.

I know now that bipolar is a gift. It’s not a gift that you would wish on anyone, that’s for sure! But when you wake up to what’s really going on, it is life changing. I have had times of mania in ’97, ’03, ’09, ’13, ’18. I think of this mania simply as times when I am totally inspired. I require no medication because I am in control of my mind, rather than my mind controlling me. Today, thanks to a fully developed mindfulness practice, I live with both peace of mind and clarity of mind.

Never lose hope, for there was a time when hope was all that kept me alive. Be well and remember….you are not your thoughts!

Mindfully Yours with Love, Joy & Peace Always,  John Shearer

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Author: John Shearer
Image: Author’s Own
Editor: Caitlin Oriel

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